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Growing Pains.

This year I have been (trying to be) intentional about the relationship I have with myself especially when it comes to engaging in negative self-talk and extending myself the grace and understanding that I try to show others. Who knew it would be so hard to be nice to yourself out of all people but it's a learning process and such is life, right?

But still, growing up is so difficult. Adulthood is a wild ass concept & I don't think I'll ever really grasp it and, apparently, that’ll never stop! From trying to understand your purpose to fighting the idea that you don’t have one. Attempting to establish and maintain healthy relationships while working on your issues in the name of "doing the work". To eating 3x a day, going to work and spending money on top of money ON TOP OF MONEY and bearing the responsibility of being the batch of new adults!?!! Like who the hell came up with this!? Being a 23-year-old and a first generation {a lot of things} doesn't make it any easier. The hardest thing about "the process" thus far is the fact that mistakes are unavoidable and sometimes, you have to learn from them in order to really get it, never knowing what will transpire before everything falls in place.

Existing as a human being is hard because there are some many factors in this life to be considered especially when it comes to maintaining relationships with other people. I used to think I was always the one getting done wrong until I realized that I’ve made people feel that same way at one point in my life (and I probably still do). It’s humbling to know but hard to accept that sometimes you’re the problem & in those moments, although accountability doesn’t guarantee exemption from (rough or undesired) consequences, I wish to still be extended grace and met with love because I’m learning. But there have been way too many times where I haven’t done that for others, and I regret it.

I try not to beat myself up because I'm just a girl, but I cannot believe that I’m not always right & sometimes I’m the drama.

*audible gasp*

But seriously. Unfortunately, there are times where we don’t have the capacity or range to be understanding and consider the "why" behind somebody's actions or that maybe we just exist in different ways so everything we think we understand isn’t always the case. And I think that’s pretty human. We’re all bound to the ups and downs that comes with that. My thing is just that I hate getting things wrong and having to sit with the discomfort, shame and embarrassment that follows right behind it. And I also don’t want to be so focused on getting it wrong that I never try and allow myself to accept anything — not even my harsh reactions and self-centered tendencies. I strive to be the healthiest version of myself and yet there are a lot of times where I’d rather say nothing or tone it down instead of being confrontational and honest. Consequentially, I deprive myself of having my needs met while simultaneously, getting in the way of inevitable and necessary growth within my relationships and the opportunities to put so many things I believe and wish to embody into practice. I have to learn to communicate my expectations/feelings and establish boundaries but I also want to learn how to handle it when I’m not met with the responses that I‘d hoped for because truthfully, nobody is following that script that I rehearsed in the car before addressing the situation. I want to get to know my people at their core, as they are, and accept and love them in spite of any fears that come from being unfamiliar with the duality of who they are & vice versa. It is my goal to put acceptance into practice and move with love because love is an action word and I want to embody it in everything I do and say. However, we’re all humans and we won’t always on our P’s & Q’s or have our best to offer and that’s ok.

((Being sensitive and trying to navigate life without looking through a skewed lens of trauma and anxiety makes it 100x harder to not take things personal but I’m working on it and that’s all I can ever do.))

There’s so much more growing, learning and unlearning to be done. Like I’m only 23. Life has so many more experiences, lessons, blessings and heartaches to place at my threshold and there's nothing I can do to stop them. I mainly just want there to be space held for me as I attempt to hold space for others. I don't want to spend my life being scared to be 100% myself and I most definitely don’t want to be the reason that people are not 100% themselves. Disclaimer: I think it’s ok to coexist as opposites and love people where they’re at, but acceptance can also look like recognizing when someone being themself is incompatible with you being yourself. It’s a thin line though and that’s another hard part. Nonetheless, mistakes are inevitable because, at the end of the day, we are human beings and we're everchanging and so are the people and world around us. Just gotta do your best & take this shit one second at a time. Go be great in your lavender!

"I can't be a singular expression of myself. There's too many parts, too many spaces, too many manifestations, too many lines, too many curves, too many troubles, too many journeys, too many mountains, too many rivers, so many." - Can I Hold the Mic (Interlude), Solange Knowles

Link to listen to a dope song and a dope album that was created four years ago as of March 1st:


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