It's been a long time since I've made a post but it's been a real eventful few weeks and I've been stalling, to be completely honest. Nonetheless, I have been thinking about a lot and realizing a lot more -- about myself and the world but especially, the people in mine. Family used to be my biggest source of motivation and I used to have the goal of "bringing my whole family together" and, obviously, that changed as I got older and reality started to hit.
Fast forward to how it's been lately. I've been accepting when people that I love are incapable of, or simply unwilling to, reciprocate the love, compassion, support, grace or empathy (to name a few things) that I give them consistently. I've also accepted that there have been a lot of people in my life that I have placed on pedestals and as a result, clouded my judgement and allowed me to create realities about them that I knew weren't necessarily true although the love I felt/feel in my heart didn't permit me the ability to accept it enough to walk away. A lot of times walking away has happened simply because me and another person were so different when it came to things that have become nonnegotiable as a part of boundaries, creating healthy relationships and being honest about my wants/needs. Things such as the ability to admit to their wrongs or being open to knowing when their actions have affected me and genuinely apologizing and taking accountability for one's actions instead of trying to convince me that I'm the problem for being bothered/hurt. Lately, I have been walking away from people who I thought were supposed to be around forever because of who they are to me and in spite of how hard and painful the act of doing that has been, I am glad that I have started doing it anyway.
The realization that has helped me the most is the realization that literally everybody is just a person (obviously but still) and that all of the people we will love in this lifetime and the next will be the exact same thing; a person who is their own individual person that is separate from the person we wanted/expected them to be.To me this meant realizing that my fear of speaking up for myself was unnecessary because 1) there's no reason for me to feel inferior or the need to compare myself to them and 2) the people I feel nervous around are still people who could be feeling a million and one things at the same time as me.
(Yes, I be scared as f*$k but I do it anyway because that's just how I am)
But more relevant to this topic, it meant realizing that there are many "types" of people that I don't particularly like based on their character, actions and beliefs (or just because I don't) and that some of the people I love are those people, the only difference being my love for them. Meaning that they could be a person that I wouldn't particularly like or associate with but the love in my heart keeps me "connected" to them and allows me to overlook the other factors that remind me of how they make me feel on the inside.
I don't know if that makes sense but the girls that get it, get it and the girls that don't, don't.
Anywho, I have told myself that I didn't want to keep allowing that to happen and that's currently where I am and although it comes with a lot of feelings, it's nice to feel liberated from the feeling of obligation. So in other words, love shouldn't be the only thing that keeps your favorite people in your life and it not shouldn't be so deep that you have to overlook the things about them that hurt or make you uncomfortable. They are still merely mortals at the end of the day.
So in conclusion??? F__k 'em (with or without love).