Hey! Hey! It's almost been a month since I've made a blog post despite having so much that I could talk about but at this point, it's all a blur 🤣. But alas, here I am to share a few unorganized thoughts about change. Oh how inevitable and sudden it is.
Earlier this week, I had a realization about how different I am now (which resulted in a mini breakdown) and I honestly miss who I was before all of this. Sometimes I forget about her.
Four or five years ago, I was a completely different person: lighter and livelier, in a sense. Although, I was still struggling with my mental health and school, that struggle was still much more manageable and I was able to juggle school, working and friends, among other things. And I was actually thrilled to do it because I was a little more certain that I could. But now it's 2022 and all of those things require a lot more energy and mental preparation from me because I feel exhausted any time that I do anything. Sometimes, I catch myself feeling like I've lost myself somewhere in the midst of trying to be okay and sometimes, it's really difficult to be hopeful about the future and the positive things that I know will come as swiftly as the negative things do. Being (diagnosed as) bipolar has changed me in ways that I never would have expected to be changed and even though the diagnosis is fresh, there's no telling how long it has been present and actively affecting my life but when I reflect on specific sequences of events, it becomes easier to pinpoint. It seems like I just woke up and started feeling disconnected from the world, my loved ones and my own body to the point that I‘ve forgotten how to interact with people without fear of them hating me for whatever reason. Over time, I just stopped being as bubbly and outgoing as everybody knew me to be and started to be more withdrawn and anxious and I honestly, I never would have thought that I would be this fragile.
When you're young, you have all these different ideas of who you will be when you become an adult and I don't think my elementary aged self would have approved of how I turned out. That's not to overlook the fact that the state that I'm currently in is NOT my final destination but sometimes, it definitely feels like that. I don't remember being sad for long about anything because I was always so hopeful and optimistic about everything, no matter how bad the situation but I've realized that what I was actually doing was trying to act like the bad wasn't as bad as it actually was and now that I am honest, I see the bad for what it is and it weighs heavy on my heart. As you grow older, you start to realize the truth about the world around you and the people that you once held on pedestals and suddenly, everything that you've grown to know and love comes crashing down so suddenly. As you grow older, you start to prioritize healthy relationships, environments and communication and you realize how much the people that you love do not contribute to that priority. And you realize how much their contributions hurt and how hard it is to put yourself first instead of settling for what people want to give you. You start to realize how close you've been to danger and you become extremely cautious of the company you keep and the slightest changes in body language, verbiage and tone that could indicate that you are at risk of being harmed by people you never thought could bring harm to you. You start becoming self aware and able to recognize how you are flawed and there have been times where you have caused painful changes in someone else’s life whether it was because of the changes you were experiencing or because of the ones you hadn’t experienced yet. You start realizing what it is to be a woman, what it is to be black, what it is to like other women, what it takes to be treated with respect and care and you notice how dangerous it all can be. Most of all, you realize how much has been taken from you. Joy.. time.. peace of mind.. softness. And you change. Whether that be for the best or the worst, it is a process that none of us can avoid because life will happen and our brains and bodies will react as they see fit.
Don't get me wrong, change can be beautiful and rewarding but it can also be downright depressing because of all the things, people and qualities that you lose in the process and the impact that that kind of loss can have on you. Severe or constant enough and it can damage you in a way that will stick with you forever. I have been through a lot in my life but I think the hardest times of my life have been the changes that I have experienced these past few years because I have been blindsided by so many sudden changes in my environment, my mental state and my circle. But I will say that I am extremely grateful for the growth that I've undergone while things were being destroyed in other aspects of my life and I am grateful to be who I am; though that's not the case everyday. However, I still manage to appreciate what these changes have blessed me with and how rewarding the woman I am has been to myself and to others. Life is unpredictable and sometimes, changes hurt. But today, I am grateful, still.
P.S. Thank you to those who have stuck with me through these changes with love, patience & openness. I am eternally grateful 🦋🤎
For more information on bipolar disorder, feel free to click the link below! Let's learn together!